Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.