Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
You can’t outrun your problems…
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?