is this a warning or an offer?
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me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Love it! 👍😂
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.