Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.