Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.