Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Breaking news:

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”