Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

I can’t stop watching this.

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?