Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Mornin

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.