sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
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‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
This is amazing.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I really had high hopes for this year though
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]