i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Netflix and awkward silence?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love