i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.