This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
You Might Also Like
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder