I have obtained a hat
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Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My dog learned how to text
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze