an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.