There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My birth announcement for our third baby
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.