found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!