Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

This was the best day of my life

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”