[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
You Might Also Like
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*