When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”