Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
kitchen magnet
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”