can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
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*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
he chose this
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.