Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”