Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
