Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
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Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!