murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough