Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

edward fingerhands