The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
💀 😭
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions