when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Look Ma, no handle on things
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
