King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Covert ops
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Always the vampires
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
