My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
You Might Also Like
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.