I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
me adding lol on a serious message
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink