Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
be safe out there!
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance