Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

My good tweets are in my other pants.

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.