Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon