When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.