Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Family Celebrity

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family