Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
me, after any kind of buffet.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…