Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
You Might Also Like
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying