Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
here we go again
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient