Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.