Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

(2022)

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.