Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Did…did a minotaur write this

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.