Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”