My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh