THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
You Might Also Like
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Animal poetry
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I just tested negative for patience.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell