been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
why neck hurt
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.