I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*