She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I only eat vegetarians.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes