Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

One of the best

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Roombas should bark

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: