There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
PLOT TWIST:
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!