gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
the battle rages on
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away